Dying Play Silks With Kool-Aid

A friend and I recently purchased some silk scarves from Dharma Trading Company to use as play silks for our children.  There are many places to purchase play silks from, both plain white or pre-dyed, so if you're looking to get some yourself, do your research and get something you love!

We decided to go with the Habotais because they came well recommended from another friend who has some and they were affordable.  When we opened them we were impressed with the softness and beauty of them.

We looked into dying options and decided to use Kool-Aid.  There are lots of options out there so I suggest you do your research on dyes, too, if you decide to dye at home.  The Kool-Aid appealed to us because it was cheap, readily available, offered vibrant colour choices and only needed boiled water and vinegar to use.

We used this site and this site to help determine the colours we chose.  You'll notice both sites show a noticeable difference in the shades of red but we tried to do one long play silk in a fade effect with three shades of red and the colours look almost exactly alike on the silk.

The process we used was easy enough, we boiled a large amount of water, added a cup of vinegar to it and then poured it into the bowls with the flavour crystals (I guess I should mention that you don't add the sugar to the mixture).  Stir to dissolve the crystals and then submerse the silk.  If you want a uniform colour all across the fabric, us a lot of water and crystals for each colour.  We used about 1-1.5 litres (4-6 cups) of water and three packages of crystals per two silks and our colours are strong but came out mottled and tie-dye looking.  We like the look, ourselves, it's very natural and hippy-ish, just like us!  When you place the silk into the mixture, you can literally watch the colour leave the water and enter the silk.  After only a few moments the water is clear or nearly clear.  If the vessel isn't large enough and there isn't a lot of water in it, the silk can't open up enough to get even colour absorption all over so the outer layers get more colour and the inner layers are lighter.  With a larger bowl and more water, you'll get more even results.

I recommend using a pair of tongs or other device to work with the silks in the water as the Kool-Aid will stain your hands.  Keep in mind that it can also stain other stuff, like porous rock surfaces, woods, linoleum and laminates, among others.  You'll want to put several layers of newspaper and/or some old towels over anything you don't want getting stained.  If you do get a stain on something, bleach may help get it out if you get at it quickly.

Once the colour has all or mostly left the water, remove the silks and wring them out.  It seems that once the colour has taken to the silks the colour is not as likely to transfer so your hands should be okay at that point but please, wear gloves if you have a fancy dinner date later or are getting married the next day or something. No point risking purple fingers!

Allow the silks to hang dry, making sure they're not touching or hanging in a way that drips can fall on other silks as the colour may transfer.  Once dry, you can iron them if desired (this will help set in the colour a little more, too) or just leave the wrinkled texture that results after wringing and hang drying.  Only hand wash wash them if necessary using a very mild detergent and hang to dry again.

Now, the moment you've been waiting for!  Pictures!!!  I have photos of the dying process, the drying process and the dried scarves but none of us playing with them.  That's not for lack of use, though!  It's because we were having so much fun I couldn't be bothered to stop and grab the camera!!  The Smiler absolutely LOVES these things!  He was playing peek-a-boo, wearing them as capes and hoods, pretending they were food, putting them in a pile and just sitting in the middle, kicking his legs among them and squealing with glee, putting them on the cats and the dog, on his Uncle James, hiding his toy cars under them and then saying, "Boo!" and just running around with them all bunched up in his arms.  It's adorable, quite frankly.

The colours we used, from left to right, were Kool-Aid Cherry, Kool-Aid Orange, Crystal Light Lemonade, Kool-Aid Lemon-Lime, Kool-Aid Ice Blue Raspberry Lemonade and Kool-Aid Grape.  We used the Crystal Light because we couldn't find Kool-Aid Lemonade.  And when I say 'we' I mean 'my friend's husband who walked back and forth between two grocery stores late at night before being told to give up and come home by his wife and then my friend who went out after that to find another solution'.   It's also worth noting that Kool-Aid Tropical Punch has a dark turquoise package but is not blue, it's deep red.  The aforementioned husband got Tropical Punch to use for blue and the aforementioned friend had to run to two more stores today mid-dying to find the Ice Blue Raspberry Lemonade.  I got to play cars with the boys while she was gone :)

Shampoo and You

I haven't shampooed my hair in nearly two years.

There.  It's out.  Now you all know my little secret - I'm 'poo free!  That's right, I don't use shampoo or conditioner at all.  Instead, I use baking soda to wash and apple cider vinegar (ACV) to condition and I am sooooo glad I made the switch!  You may think I'm crazy but I assure you, my hair is far softer, more manageable and my scalp is healthier than ever before since I made the switch.

Here's the deal: washing your hair isn't bad for you so much as the chemicals in shampoos are, specifically drying agents like SLS.  These are not just bad for your skin, they're bad for your whole body.  But, hey, they make more suds and are a really cheap filler, right?  Right.  Even most products marketed as 'natural' contain this ingredient and it's probably one of the first or second things on the list.  Anyway, I won't go into too much detail on that because I'm sure my seven readers are more than capable of researching the topic if they so choose but what I will tell you about is how to transition to 'poo free and get hair as awesome as mine.

To wash your hair, take about 2 tablespoons of baking soda in a container and mix it with about a cup of water.  Stir it up with your fingers (I do this right in the shower, myself) so the baking soda doesn't just sit at the bottom and then pour it all over your head.  Firmly massage your scalp for 1-2 minutes.  You should feel the baking soda while you're doing this.  Don't be shy to add more or to do a double wash if you don't feel clean enough.  I would like to point out that the goal here is to clean your scalp, not your hair, so don't worry about the lengths during this part of the process.  Clean scalp = clean hair but clean hair does not = clean scalp.  Rinse well and repeat if necessary.  Your hair should feel like it's been washed.  Mine actually squeaks a little as I rinse it, just like with shampoo.

My hair, right after a wash.

To condition and re-balance your hair, take about 1-2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar or lemon juice in a container (same one is fine) and mix it with about a cup of water.  Pour over the lengths of your hair and gently rub/squeeze it into the lengths.  Now, here is where some people differ in opinion.  Some people don't use the ACV at all while others think it's important to rebalance the pH of the hair and scalp.  Some people use straight ACV while others think it's a waste of money to use that much when a dilution is fine.  Some people leave the ACV solution on without rinsing while others rinse it out.  Some people avoid their scalp (ACV can be a little bit irritating to very sensitive skin, for example) while others just dump it on willy nilly.  I fall into the latter group on all these points.  I find my hair feels better and is more manageable when I use the ACV, I like it diluted, I rinse and I don't worry about getting it on my scalp (disclaimer: I have pretty short hair so it's nearly impossible not to get it on my scalp).

A lot of people jump at the idea to go 'poo free and I commend them but many of those same people give up quickly because they're not ready for the adjustment period.  Now, likely since birth, you've been cleaning your scalp with harsh chemical shampoos and doing it far too often, as well (think more than once or twice a week).  That harsh chemical shampoo has been sucking every last drop of healthy oil off your scalp every time you use it, for years.  Because of that, your scalp has been waaaaay overproducing oils to compensate for being dried out so often (I shudder to think about people who shampoo daily).  For most people, it will take a while for their scalp to bring its over production back to normal levels and this is what I call the adjustment period.  During this period, lasting from 0-8 weeks (most people say 2-3 weeks on average) your hair will feel greasy, it will be limp and luster-less, it will be hard to manage and you won't have much body.  I know, I know, very convincing, right?  But I promise, if you stick it out and don't get drawn back into the shampoo downward spiral, it will be worth every bandanna, pony tail and hat day you have to have.  Seriously.  It will be.

Once you go 'poo free, your hair will be healthier, softer, shinier, more manageable and sexier (yup, sexier, 9 out of ten 'poo free-ers agree).  Now, I hear some of you out there saying things like, "But *I* have really oily hair." or, "But *I* have curly hair." or, "But *I* have dandruff and need special shampoo." and the like.  I swear to you, YOU people are the ones who are most in need of going 'poo free!  Shampoo is doing that to your hair and scalp, not the lack of shampoo.  Just give it a try and I swear, you'll love it and never want to go back.  What have you got to lose, save for reputation and dignity, walking around with greasy hair for a few weeks?

You can still colour your hair, as well as blow dry and heat style.  In fact, colour seems to last a lot longer using this method.  You can still use styling products, though you'll likely have to double wash, depending on what you use.  Baking soda is actually recommended by a lot of stylists for getting rid of product build-up.  If you love scent in your hair products, add a drop or two of essential oils to your rinse! 

One more thing: I often get asked about things like frequency of washing and what to do about the hair dresser.  I do a 'no poo wash 2-3 times a week and that works for me.  Others only do it once a week and still others do it every second day or more.  The great thing about this is that you're really just cleaning the dirt off your scalp and hair and absorbing excess oil (not all oil) so you can do it as often as you feel comfortable with.  As for the hair dresser, you can either bring your own little container of baking soda for them to wash with or wash at home before you go.  

Happy washing!  

PS: I want to hear about your experiences if you decide to take the plunge!

Wham!

You know that Wham! song Last Christmas?  I'll be frank with you, it drives me insane.  And it's not because I've heard it three trillion times in the past month, either.  It's because it's stupid and doesn't make any sense.  Before all you die hard Wham! fans jump all over me, hear me out.  The part that drives me the most insane is the chorus:

Last Christmas I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Here's what goes through my head every single time I hear this crappy song:  First off, did you give her anything else besides your heart?  Because that might have been your first mistake - you know, giving her a figurative gift instead of something tangible and real.  Romantic or not, she probably wanted SOMETHING, not just your heart.  Just a tip for ya'.

Second off, who the fuck did she go and give it to?  Like anyone else wanted your crummy old heart?!  Never mind the fact that it's not an actual item to start with but really, who did she give it to, huh?  Some hobo on the street?  An elderly woman on the subway?  Did she re-gift it to her Aunt Evie and Uncle Lawrence when they stopped in unannounced?  Was it a friend from work?  Who?  WHO???

Thirdly, did you not learn your lesson last year?  Obviously not, since you're already planning on giving that same shitty, old, used heart to another poor woman this year.  Talk about setting yourself up to fail, dude.  Take my advice, go buy her a nice, tangible gift at the store and include a card - I guarantee you'll have better results.

Finally, you're going to give it to someone special this year, eh?  Who's that gonna' be?  Are they gonna' be more special than that re-gifting slut-bitch from last year?  'Cause I'm thinking she musta' seemed pretty darn special at the time, too.  Or was she not special?  In which case, why the fuck did you give her your fucking heart?  I mean, buddy, it's your LIFE SOURCE.

In closing, maybe you wanna' try not to be such a hussy with your heart, hmmm?

Oh, and PS: We all know it's you who's the slut, George.

Breathing

I take off my coat.  I realise how tense I am.  This tumultuous day has taken hold of all the muscles in my neck and shoulders and just tugged and tightened slowly over the hours.  My arms are tight, my legs and feet are tense.  Everything is wound up.  I didn't notice until this moment.

Sigh.

I tell my self I need to relax.  Take some breaths.  Sloooow breaths.  Focus on the breathing.  Nothing else.  Quiet those swirling thoughts.  Power down.  Unwind.  It occurs to do some Progressive Relaxation Techniques so I sit down on the chair in the kitchen, lean back and just focus on relaxing my face, with focus and awareness, from my forehead to my cheeks, to my chin, then my mouth.

Often when I'm really wound up I have to tighten and loosen alternately a few times so I can get a feel for the fully relaxed state of the muscles and get them to stay there.  Tonight, it is hard to get the feel for my muscles as I move through my usual PRT routine.  I refocus, take more breaths.  Always more breaths.  I move to my neck, linger there a while just really appreciating the feeling of those muscles being fully relaxed.  Starting to get into the groove more now.  More breaths.

Shoulders.  Back.  Getting easier to clear my mind.  More breaths.  I imagine I am breathing in light and purity and goodness, relaxation and rejuvenation while I breathe out all my stress, tension, frustration, confusion and fatigue.  I let my body sink into the chair.  I feel the relaxation in my legs, in my calves and my ankles, in my wrists and my fingers.  I lavish in the sensations of total relaxation.  Aaaaaah... It's okay to be here.  It's okay for me to be here.  I can relax.  It's okay to be relaxed.  I breathe in the light and relaxation, breathe out the tension and stress.  Breathe in the light and relaxation, breathe out the tension and stress.  Breathe out the tension and stress.  Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat...

Keep breathing.

Risk Versus Benefit

The Smiler is now 15 months old, walking quite well and has been working on his climbing a lot lately, too.  He crawls up and down the stairs at our house, both inside and out, quite capably and I don't worry about him around stairs as a general rule.  He has a bit of a tendency to walk riiiiight to the edge of a step before stopping but because I know him, I know he won't just walk off the edge.  I'm of the belief that you can't worry about them constantly, anyway.  They're going to fall sometimes, you know what I mean?  Of course I keep a close eye in new situations or places he's not familiar with, etc. but I generally let him be "free range" as much as possible and that's worked well for us.  He understands to be careful and that he's responsible for his own bodily safety so he doesn't just barrel along expecting someone else to stop or save him if there's danger, HE watches for himself and I think that's a good thing.  Of course he doesn't understand that an electric mixer or power cord is dangerous because that's not a naturally occurring element that he can evolve to be careful of (like a deer can't evolve to be fearful of a car - well, at least not very fast, at any rate). He does understand edges and falling, though, and watches out for his own safety.

So we were at my parents' house last night where they have a stone patio with two steps down, also made of stone.  The Smiler was having a wonderful time climbing up and down the steps as well as dancing and walking in circles up on the patio because Oma had music on.  My dad was getting really uptight about him being up there, though.  He would jump up any time The Smiler would get within even a few feet of the steps and at one point even hollered, "No no no no NO NO NO!!!!!" at him as he danced near the steps.

This kind of crazy reaction reminded me all too much of when I was a child.  My dad would push me to try new things (that I wasn't interested in doing like driving the boat or snowmobile or sports or helping in the garage, for example) and when I'd finally agree hesitantly, he wouldn't give me enough information or instruction to be successful and then he'd react really dramatically when I wouldn't do it right.  I was very sensitive and his reactions always made me feel embarrassed, frightened and/or admonished which would make me freeze up and not want to try it any more.  As an adult, I still have trouble trying new things for fear I won't get it right and someone will make fun of me or I'll break something or I'll do something embarrassing.  (In my dad's defence, he's got a loud voice and he was never taught to think of others' feelings by his own parents).

The Smiler has been climbing up this slide since before he could walk!

I had already said a few things like, "It's okay, I trust him by the stairs." and, "Don't worry, he knows what an edge is and how to climb up and down, Dad." but he just couldn't seem to relax about it.  After that last freak out I was a little annoyed, to say the least.  The Smiler has been so shy and hesitant in the past about new people, new situations and new things and been so unwilling to try stuff or even get out of my lap at times that I'm really glad he's coming out of his shell and getting braver.  I want him to run and play without fear.  I want him to climb things and explore his world.  I want him to occasionally trip and fall (without being seriously hurt, of course) so he can learn about his world, have fun and be resilient.  I certainly don't want him to be yelled at by his grandfather (who, as an aside, wasn't worried enough to get out of his chair and run over to save him and just wanted to holler from his seat) for dancing, running in circles or climbing up and down stairs.  Those are life skills, after all.  Valuable life skills, at that.  Especially the former.  You can't stop your children from doing every single thing that poses a risk; you may as well just tie them to a chain under the stairs in your basement to keep them safe, then.  EVERYTHING poses some kind of risk.

A little while later, I glanced over to see The Smiler climbing up the steps.  As I watched, he got up on the top step but his feet were juuuuuust on the edge of the step and I could see he might lose his balance if he tried stand all the way up from having his hands down.  As I walked over saying, "Your toes are too close to the edge, honey." the toes of his one foot slipped out from under him and he tripped back down to the first step, tipping over to one side a bit.  It wasn't a bad fall at all and he wasn't even crying, though he did make a little whine at the initial realisation that his plan wasn't working out.  I helped him up and said, "Uh-oh!  See, we need to have our feet completely on the step before we stand up."  As I helped show him, my dad turned around and snarked, "I told you that was going to happen."

I was SO MAD.  Firstly, he hadn't said a word about The Smiler possibly falling while climbing UP the damn steps, he had only worried about him running off the edge like a complete idiot so he actually hadn't told me that was going to happen.  Secondly, The Smiler was perfectly fine and learned one of many valuable lessons about climbing in a safe, supervised environment.  Thirdly, I'M THE FUCKING PARENT AND I'LL DO IT MY FUCKING WAY, thank-you-very-much.  Fourthly, there were a bunch of guests over visiting so it was socially inappropriate for him to chide his adult daughter like that.  I turned and said, "You want to be the parent?  'Cause I can go make a drink and socalise and just interfere occasionally, too."  He just walked away.

I'm rambling a little here but I'm going somewhere with this, I promise.  The whole situation got me thinking a bit...  You see, ever since I was first pregnant and we didn't even know if The Smiler would be a boy or a girl, my dad has been buying all sorts of "toys" for him.  Like a bicycle, a mini motorcycle and a mini quad, for example.  My dad loooooves him some motorised shit.  My dad is also the first one to scoff at and dismiss my desire to feed The Smiler healthy, whole, organic (as much as possible), natural foods or to avoid toxin laden plastic toys or to not give him juice or pop or to keep him in a rear facing car seat or when I ask him to please step a few feet away while he's smoking cigarettes (outdoors) around my child. 

So here's good old Pop Pop, ready to put my kid on what is, effectively, a motorised death machine the instant he's tall enough to reach the clutch thinking that letting him go up and down two steps is too risky.  At the same time, he thinks worrying about my son's consumption of toxins and carcinogens, his day to day exposure to poison substances like lead, BPA and pthalates, his ingestion of processed sugar, his lung health and his vehicle safety is absurd.  

Don't get me wrong, I'll definitely let him ride the bike, motorcycle and quad - when he's old enough, has proper personal protective equipment and wants to try it.  I think all children should be exposed to as many opportunities as possible to try new things and I'll encourage my kids not to be scared to try things and see if they like them.  I just think it's funny that someone can simultaneously be ready to put my toddler on a motorised device whilst being afraid of him falling down two steps whilst thinking my concerns for his long term chemical and toxin exposure are silly.  Realistically, the latter is the most dangerous because it affects his lifelong health and is far more likely to affect his eventual cause of death.  The other things are all safe when done in safe ways and accidents are just that - accidental.

I say look out for your children's long term health, keep them safe while they try new things and let them explore and climb to their hearts' content!

"Don't complain that you had to wait to eat."

I grew up with a dad who worked construction.  Mostly heavy construction - roadworks and sewer and water - when I was a kid.  If he wasn't away in that vagueness us Canadians call "Up North" for a few weeks to a few months at a time, he was working long hours all summer, effectively gone to me with my early bedtime and his early wake time, and then laid off all winter.  This was also in the days when there were no cell phones.  I remember how excited we were when my dad got a pager and we could page him, knowing he'd call us back as soon as he got to a payphone or the office.  Before that, we had no clue most nights what time he might come home at.

I remember sometimes on weekends my dad would take me with him running errands.  This often meant stopping at various suppliers' warehouses or showrooms for work-related stuff, going to the dump (we lived in the country and my dad likes to scavenge for stuff he can fix up), washing the car, stopping in at Beaver Lumber (where they had full size play structures on display outside to play on), going to my Uncle Luther's studio (he's an artist and collector - I loved looking at all his things and artwork), stopping in at friends' houses (images of Lynrd Skynrd records, motorcycles, full ashtrays, stubby beer bottles, dirty garages full of car parts and greasy jean jackets are conjured up) or milling around in Princess Auto.

I have this one memory...  I'm too big for my car seat now, a big girl.  I like my car seat.  It's familiar.  White plastic form with light brown waterproof lightly padded cover.  My mom says I'm going to go with my dad to take the car seat to the dump.  We go and my dad just gets me out, takes it out of the car, chucks it, we get back in and drive away.  I feel strange in the big seatbelt - loose and insecure.  I'm sad that my car seat is gone.  My dad wants to cheer me up.  We're on a gravel road and there is a bump coming so he speeds up a bit so we can get butterflies as we go over.  This is not something I would enjoy but it is something he would enjoy.  My father has trouble making these distinctions.  There's a pothole when we land and I bounce up too high, hitting my head on the ceiling of the car.  I'm upset, he's uncomfortable and he doesn't know how to comfort me.  He makes some jokes, tells me to tough up and I try.  Now we're at the car wash and he leaves the radio on for me while he soaps up the windows.  As he cloaks the car in white darkness I wait in anticipation for him to make a peephole with the clean water and smile and wave at me.  George Harrison's Got My Mind Set On You plays on the radio.  This is a nice memory for me, this time in the car wash with my dad, peeping in the window, smiling and waving at me in the dark carwash.

As I got older, my dad got better jobs and in my teen years he was typically gone five days a week but home all weekend.  Because I was a teenager and he was absent so often, I think he felt some responsibility to pick up the slack parenting on the weekends which is a noble deed, to be sure, except that he did it in a disciplinarian, authoritarian way.  We never really had a close relationship because he was so often absent so this compulsion to just "enforce the law", as it were, made it even harder for us to be close.

My Dad Walks Me Down the
Aisle Four Years Ago

As a little kid I didn't really understand that my dad was doing anything different from other dads.  As I got older and teen angst grew stronger and our relationship grew more tenuous I was glad when he'd leave on Mondays because my mom and I had a routine and she was predictable.  As an adult, I am sad that I don't have a close relationship with my dad and I can see that it is at least in part due to his often being absent.

Now, I'm married to a carpenter.  We have been fortunate that he has generally had work close enough to home to sleep in our bed each night, though we have had separations typically a few times a year for work for anywhere from a few days to six weeks.  Since The Smiler was born, though, The Carpenter hasn't had to go away for work.  Until now, that is.

For the past month my husband has been gone five days a week and home only on the weekend.  For the past five months before that, he worked 60-70 hours a week, at least six days a week, starting early in the morning and working until late at night, often not seeing his son or only being able to say good night to him quickly before he fell asleep.

Most People Have Chairs in Their Breakrooms.

Sometimes I wonder why I didn't think about this when I married him.  I know what it was like having an absent father and I'm worried the same thing is going to play out for my son, now.   The Carpenter tries very hard to be home as much as possible but sometimes you have to accommodate in order to keep your job.  His employer isn't bad to him and it's the same way everywhere else in the construction industry.  I remind myself that many other places are in recessions and no building is taking place.  We have a short summer in Manitoba and we try to do as much construction as possible during those months, I get it.  I really do.  I try to be thankful for the work that IS available.  I try to be grateful that my husband has a good enough job that we can squeak by on one income and whatever I get from odd jobs here and there.  I try to be grateful for all the stuff I have that others don't but when there's a crying toddler and I haven't had a break all week and I'm hungry and tired or when my hair is dirty and the kitchen needs cleaning and my vehicle needs repairs or when I skooch over out of habit to make room for someone who isn't there next to me at night I miss my man.

The Smiler is missing his daddy, too.  He gets so excited when The Carpenter comes home and when it's time for him to go again on Monday, The Smiler just keeps hugging him and doesn't want to let him go.  He cries when the door closes behind his daddy.

My Monkey Man Up Six Stories in the Air

I'm sure The Carpenter sometimes wonders why he didn't choose a different career path, too.  He's amazing at what he does and truly loves it, though, and I would never ask him to give up a career he loves (to be clear, he loves carpentry, not being away from home).  At the end of the night, after he's worked all day and has only a shared hotel room to go "home" to after eating restaurant food for supper AGAIN (trust me, this gets old fast), after he's hurried in the shower to accommodate his roomie(s) and lays down in a foreign bed, my man misses his family.

So what am I saying all this for?  Here it is.  Sometimes, when I was a little girl and my dad was working heavy construction, on rare evenings when he'd be home for supper and we'd eat as a family, my mom would complain about traffic hold-ups on the way home from work.  My dad would say, "Don't complain that you had to wait to eat."

The Carpenter Was Mere FEET Away When This Crane
Fell and Nearly Killed Him and Several Other People

Next time you find yourself stopped in the car, staring at a "SLOW" or - even worse - "STOP" sign and maybe getting a little perturbed, or unable to find what you need in the grocery store because of renovations or having to park on the far end of the lot because they're repaving, remember that those people working there bust their asses every day.  They get up at the crack of dawn, they work in conditions postal workers wouldn't even consider, they work in the blazing heat and the freezing cold, in pouring rain and mucky spring muds.  They skip their breaks and lunches, they run out of water and can't access more, they hurt their hands, knees and backs, they work late, late, late to get it done (as the saying goes in the industry, "Time, tide and concrete wait for no man"), they work nights, they go up and down in crazy machines, risking their lives and they work HARD.  Physically HARD.  They have families waiting for them at home and they don't want to be at work any more than the next person does.  They certainly don't want to hold up your day, either.

These are the people who make the roads we drive on and the sidewalks we walk on.  They make the grocery stores we shop in and the malls we walk around.  They make the museums we take our children to.  They make the skate parks and amusement parks.  They install the sewer systems we don't give a second thought to when we flush away.  They make the swimming pools we swim in and the stages we are entertained on.  They make the stands we cheer from.  They make the driveways or garages we park in and the homes we sleep in.


They are my father and husband.

Stop! No! Don't!

Today a friend and I hit up the Winnipeg Fringe Festival for a while.  We were meandering along the alleys of street vendors (may I just say that I don't like the way it's set up this year because Market Square is under construction (and has been for seemingly EONS...  come to think of it, I never see any one doing any work there....) so they're using Arthur and Albert for street vendors, instead).  We also enjoyed a gelati but that's not what I'm here to talk about today.  I overheard a few parents using negatives in their language with their children and it got me thinking that I actually hear it a lot.

"Stop fighting."
"No running."
"Don't touch that."
"Uh-uh."
"Quit it!"
"Get out of there!"

You get the picture.  I'm not entirely innocent of saying some of these things myself and before I go any further I'll say that I have much understanding in my heart for the parent who is having a rough day so I always give people the benefit of the doubt and try not to judge.

With that said, I can't help but put myself in the child's shoes at times, though, too and think of what it must be like to live in their world of nos, cannots, don'ts and stop its.  So I've come up with a few thoughts I'd like to touch on regarding negative guidance.

1) Children Live in a Near-Constant State of Uncertainty

No decision is their own, the schedule revolves around adults' agendas with little to no regard for children's wishes or plans.  They are often not even informed of what's going to happen throughout the day or even what is happening at that very moment.  When we tell children what NOT to do all the time we add to their uncertainty and make them anxious.  When we empower them by showing and telling them what IS acceptable instead of what IS NOT  they gain a sense of security from knowing what they are able to do.

2) Children Are Always Learning and Experimenting

They are curious and driven to acquire knowledge and explore, trying new things, experimenting with their environments all the time (which is often why they "misbehave" in new situations - they are not inherently bad!  They are driven to test boundaries when unclear, like little scientists watching what mice do in a new maze, to see what happens).  The child longs for a sense of knowing what is desired of him, it's actually very stressful for children when they aren't sure what to do.  When we use negative language, telling our children what NOT to do, we leave a void.  The child is already upset - obviously they wanted to be doing what they were doing because they were doing it - so they feel slighted and, on top of it, are being forced to find something else to do, risking being told no again.

3) Social Mores and Generally Accepted Behaviours are Foreign to Children
As discussed, children feel more comfortable when they know what to expect (this is why Mr. Rogers is so popular - the kids know what's coming next) and what is expected of them.  In new situations, we can tend to assume our children understand rules we inherently know from years of experience, inadvertently setting our children up to fail.  For example, children don't understand that it's inappropriate to wander around the restaurant, talking to strangers, tasting other people's foods, exploring the kitchen and servery, etc.  This is where we come in as guides!  It's so important to arm our children with knowledge of the expectations beforehand and discussing the situation and expectations the day before, the day of and on the way there is a great way to help the child understand and remember.  I am often simultaneously pleased and disappointed, though, when I hear parents doing this with "Do nots" instead of "Dos".  I love seeing parents prepare their children for new situations but it's hard when I hear it all as nos and don'ts.  There's sort of an underlying sense that the parent assumes the child wants to exhibit all these negative behaviours as well as a message sent to the child that these are things s/he should want to do since they're being specifically forbidden.  When preparing your child for an outing to a new place, consider discussing what the place will be like and what will be expected in positive, absolute, group terms: "There will be lots of people talking in the restaurant."  "We stay in our seats in the restaurant."  "We talk quietly in the restaurant." (add the because at the end of each of those if appropriate for your child) "We'll each get to choose what we'd like to eat and have our very own plate to eat from!"

4) Children Think in Pictures

A baby is born with no words.  When they want something, it is only a feeling at first, growing over time into an image along with that feeling.  When a baby thinks about wanting an object on the other side of the room, she doesn't think in WORDS, she envisions the item in her hand or sees herself moving toward it to get it.  As the child grows and acquires more words, they become associated with pictures in their mind (we cement this with puzzles, pictures, matching games, etc.) so when we say, "No running!" the child SEES running in his mind.  "No" is pretty hard to make a picture of so it is abstract to the child.  The image of running is very compelling and running is fun!  Some children will immediately want to test a "no" boundary to see if you really meant it, too.  "Slow down." or, "Please walk." will create a much better picture of what you want your child to do.

5) It's Just Plain Nicer
Guiding our children can fast turn into a long string of criticisms in the daily grind if we're not careful.  On top of noticing our children's good traits whenever we can, we can also try to be more positive in our guidance.  When we use too much negative language our children can't help but eventually feel like they're doing everything wrong.  Positive direction or redirection can really help our children to feel like we're with them on their journey, cheerfully helping them learn what is appropriate without resentment or judgement (which is, after all, what we want them to feel like, right?!)  Remember, too, that negative reactions don't have to be quelled all together; saying, "Oh, yuck!  Rocks taste gross!  Let's keep them out of our mouths." will still discourage rock eating just as well or better than, "Don't eat rocks!"

I challenge you to watch your language over the next week or two, being mindful of how you phrase things with your child and try thinking of positive phrasings to replace the negative ones you find yourself using.  Then, implement them!   I have found that if I think creatively enough, there is no situation in which I have to be completely negative.  When we have to tell our children not to do something or when we've slipped up and used negative phrasing accidentally, it should immediately be followed with at least one or two suggestions for what they CAN do.  It will take a few weeks to get into the habit of positive phrasing and it may take your children a bit of time to get used to it, too but I truly believe you'll all feel better for it!