Friday, May 03, 2013

To Savour

 The Thinker was cranky and overtired this evening so while The Carpenter was putting The Smiler to bed, I took him in the tub with me.

As I sat there, water still running, supporting his head while he floated - quickly calming - I looked into his deep pools of amazing that we call eyes and was overcome with tears of love and awe for this little creature.  I pressed my face against his little face, his little body, and just let the feeling rush over me.  I kissed his little fingers and carefully examined each hand, I rubbed his round little tummy, I watched as he gently moved his legs in the water.  I noted how his short little bits of hair swayed with the water, I looked at the dimples and creases in his arms and legs, I noted just how his little belly button looks, how his nose is, what his little rosebud mouth looks like in every little expression he makes...  I wished so hard that I could freeze that moment in time to come back to whenever I like.  It was sublime.

It hit me that in just a few days, he'll be 4 weeks old.  A month.  No longer a newborn but a tiny baby.  He has changed so much already and I know from watching my older child grow that he'll change so, so much more as time goes on.  I look at older pictures of The Smiler now and I can hardly believe how different he looks.

I thought about what it would be like if we didn't have a camera; if we didn't have event artists and paint and how badly I would wish I could always remember every special way my babies looked as they grew.  I was overcome with tears again thinking of all the mothers gone before me who must have wished they could freeze countless moments to savour again and again.  How precious these moments with our children are.  Even the simplest moments.  Sigh...  I know there have been times with The Smiler I've promised myself I won't forget that have already begun to fade.  That thought made me weep again.

I told myself I'd go write something down about this special moment in the tub with my baby and by the time I'd gotten out and dried off, I had nearly forgotten.  So quickly I was distracted from the beauty...  So I sat another moment and enjoyed my precious baby more.  There is no such thing as relishing in your children's awesomeness too much.

I just looked at his sweet fuzzy hair as it dried before my eyes, I noted the way he moved his hands and head, how he shaped his little mouth so deliberately as he looked at me...  I told him I loved him again and again.  I watched as his eyelids grew heavy on him and thought about The Weakerthans' song The Last Last One.  It's actually about letting go of a relationship but this seemed so poignant in the moment: "We fell a little deep, I watched you fall asleep - and nothing happens in the end... But I remember when I could remember when.  Seems like a long time ago."

I don't ever want these special moments to seem like a long time ago but I know they will - sooner than I think.  Savour your children.  Savour every bit of it.

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